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Dusk at Dawn

from Rose Water by Tony Manfredonia

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lyrics

The first memory I have of my father is laying on his chest
I listened to the beat of his heart while the blue light coming from TV
Flickered off the walls and glass photo frames, hanging in the night-fallen living room

The second is eating pancakes early in the frosty morning before school
Him coming inside smelling of exhaust fumes and winter chill with half a pencil behind his ear
The top of his hat comically drooping, he placed his polar hands on my back and chuckled as I stiffened

The third is playing catch on a mellow summer evening in our quiet neighborhood
As he sat on the front porch with a beer and newspaper
Coaching me on football tactics with a contented grin on his face

The fourth is cleaning out his work truck
Earning my first dollars and having a taste of how the world goes round
Many images and audibles flood in between
Shimmering sapphire
A rolling inlet
The whir of a truck
The musty smell of old plumbing parts
Tootsie
Weathered hands tying a knot
The splash of a fish
A raggedy baseball cap
A pat on the back
Eggs and bacon for breakfast

I worked alongside of him opening and closing cottages every spring and fall
Usually getting annoyed by his unceasing sprightliness
Nosy talk with the smoky cashier at the time-worn gas station in Good Hart
And boundless trust he placed in my capabilities
Despite very little knowledge and direction

Despite army crawling straight into my claustrophobia
Underneath houses
Over rusty nails, spiders, and corpses of mice
While exposing my back to sizzling pipes
Hovering threateningly above
I held dear every second of it
Because I was with my dad
I was helping my dad

Every June through September
I looked forward to going to our favorite fishing cove at The Cabin
With the peculiar name of Gut Port
Where he taught my husband how to cast a line
Just as he had taught me as a kid

He had plenty of quirks
One of them was playing exactly two songs by Johnny Cash on his battered phone
As we hiked on the gravelly trail to reach the sheltered bay
Timing the duration perfectly so the second song ended just as we had arrived
Much to his satisfaction

Going fishing with dad at our special location
Deep in the cedar woods full of northern wildlife
Was my all-time favorite activity

Little did I know that this summer would be dreadfully different
And that the one place I found such beauty, joy, and serenity
Would now bring unspeakable sorrow from the depths of my heart

"Dad's gone. He's gone."
I felt the blood drain from my head, and what seemed like my soul, at the sound of my brother sobbing over the phone
Everything became incoherent, as I knelt onto the cold garage floor
Heart racing
Heart sinking
Mind breaking

I wake up every morning to an inescapable nightmare
I put on my crown of thorns
Hoist up my cross
And carry it to the daily beatings
Having felt like I've been kicked in the stomach 300 times
I attempt to do the most menial of tasks
But the 300 kicks turn into 300 pounds
Weighing heavily on all of my bones

I remain awake until early morning
Because when I close my eyes, I see myself as a girl
Standing before her father with the noose around his neck
Screaming,
"Dad! Dad! Why won't you come down?"

My brain grapples at a way to undo the already-did.
It struggles to think of a strategy to reverse time
To make the fragments of my imagination real
Or meet him in another dimension
As if they are now obtainable possibilities

It fights to find him
To go to him
To help him

I walk down old country roads and gaze at the meadowy sea of rippling green
Dappled with maroon and ivory
Swaying in the breeze with the large maple leaves waving
Suddenly, I am riding shotgun in his unkempt work truck on a dreamy July evening
Crickets chirping in bursts as we drive by with the windows down
Allowing the sweet smell of freshly-harvested hay waft in

We are coming home from The Cabin
Or getting wood
Or checking out the ponds
Or maybe just taking a drive

I snap myself back into a world gone cold
Walking alone in the future aimlessly stupefied
Questioning the very foundation of existence
Lost in what went wrong

credits

from Rose Water, released November 6, 2020
Text written and performed by Maria Manfredonia
Music composed, and piano performed by Tony Manfredonia
Violin performed by Nat Willow
Music mixed and mastered by Trey Hodge

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Tony Manfredonia Petoskey, Michigan

Tony Manfredonia, the Michigan-based composer and singer-songwriter, creates captivating and emotionally charged music. With his symphonic, cinematic, and dynamic sound, he takes listeners on a passionate journey.

From symphonic rock albums to pop-piano ballads, and from instrumental suites to video game soundtracks, his genre-bending orchestral expertise shine through in everything he creates. ... more

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